The Daily Grind
Well – following yesterdays post I am deliriously happy that (unlike on previous occasions.) my piles have gone external already. Normally I’m treated to a few days of itchy, achy bum, before the damned things poke their ugly little heads out. NOT this time! - Nope, today I’ve got a fair sized grape hanging out of my bum, refusing to go back. This has brought about its own little problems.
1 – I am now using copious amounts of Anusol, and here’s a little thing with bum cream….. WHY does it have to have that particular smell? – I mean, it is an unmistakeable smell, and quite strong at that. – It seems to overpower most soaps, so even if you throroughly wash your hands after application – (which of course I DO, because to not wash after applying said bum cream would be nasty in the extreme…unthinkable even.) It still leaves a lingering odour.
Now, if you have cause to use some other odious remedy – Deep heat, Vicks chest rub, etc, then it’s not immediately apparent what you are using it for, or where exactly – Deep heat can be for any muscle ache, pretty much anywhere, Vicks, ? – Well, OK, that’s going to be on your chest and helping with a cold or similar – but that’s unlikely to offend.
Bum cream on the other hand….. people must sniff it out and think “I know what that is, I know where it’s gone, and I also know EXACTLY how you applied it - So no thank you I do not want a cup of tea!”
2 – this morning I grabbed my little tube from the bathroom and …..(OK so tell me NOW that this wasn’t going to be a good idea……TOO BLOODY LATE NOW!!!!)……slipped it into my trouser pocket. Just in case I needed a little Anusol fix at work. – But then thinking about it, I don’t think I’d get up the nerve to take it into the loos for a quick Up the jacksy relief… - However, I did, then promptly forgot it was there. Then I leant against a desk – (once again, I feel that my tale of woe is becoming horribly transparent). Of course, not long after I wondered why my trouser leg felt a mite tacky, so put my hand in my pocket….. All my fingers came out a delicious shade of chalky white. Wonderful! – Also wonderful is the fact that I stink of bum cream. - Now it doesn't matter if i wash my hands, I've got a pocket full of the stuff.
Note to self – Remember to cut finger nails tonight!
Who IS Jayster?
- Jayster
- I suffer with some form of obsessional disorder, mostly hoarding, but with other OCD signs . I wrote a book, which won’t actually be published, as the last chapters fall over a bit. It is available as a PDF though - A THOROUGHLY ENGLISH HOODLUM - Please ask. Everything I make from it’s sale is being donated to OCD-UK for the next few months (Till May 2012) ). I buy and sell 50’s – 60’s records, and used to publish a well respected magazine on the UK rockin’ scene. Don't expect anything intellectual from me - If it happens it'll be by accident! – I have split my blogs up into neat little boxes – DON’T ask why. If you read the first bit, you’ll know. So, here are my little boxes. Rejection Seeds short sketches, scripts and segments of stories I am working on or which have been rejected. Your comments appreciated – Good or bad. The Orcan Grinder about modelling, painting and gaming Little Shop Of Horrors Samples of my rather childish drawing and painting. Soulville My first blog, and could be about anything really.
5 comments:
Did you poke it with a stick? Or maybe you could get Steve McQueen to poke it with a stick.
Sorry about your ass.
Now - would poking it with a stick refer to the roids - which of course I haven't! - I've just poked it with my finger, or to the pocket full of Anusol, which I scooped out with a plastic bag?
I've also got a cough..... Yes, that helps!
If they get bad enough, they'll hospitalise you, you know.
Then some ironic bastard will bring you a bunch of grapes in.
I make myself feel marginally better by remembering a friend of mine who had piles at a weekender so bad that they burst. he was really NOT at all well. His bed looked like he'd bagged himself a virgin. Bleurgh!
Mmmm.... bum cream. Great on doughnuts.
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